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Poor Elton 8/2/2017
Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some
tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Elton,
I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have HIV."
Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20
unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers,
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal and
top it ...
0 Comments,
15 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Pregnancy Question 8/2/2017
Catherine, pregnant with her first , paid a visit
to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she
shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know, " the doctor said, placing
a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that
all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it, " Catherine confessed.
"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
0 Comments,
12 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Groans 8/1/2017
Doctor Evil cloned himself again. This time created a full
size version of himself. He was charged with "Bigger
Me."
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dollywood is currently undergoing renovations....please
PARTON our dust!
Don't put too many adaptors into one socket. They confuse.
Dr. Oleander Fern, the noted biologist, was stumped. He
had spent months ...
0 Comments,
9 Views,
0 Votes
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How To Poop At Work 8/1/2017
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince
ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE. ...
0 Comments,
9 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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My Wife Left Me 7/31/2017
My wife left me... And I don't understand.
After the last was born, she told me we had to cut back
on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came
home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for
makeup.
I said, "Wait a ...
0 Comments,
14 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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My US Air Force 7/31/2017
Even Zoomies get it right once in a while.
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base,
Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight
check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still
full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base
ops and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care
of it. The young man finally gets to the flight ...
0 Comments,
13 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Teacher Arrested 7/27/2017
Teacher Arrested
A public school teacher was arrested today at Heathrow
International airport as he attempted to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass,
a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Theresa May said she believes
the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
she did not identify the man, ...
1 Comments,
19 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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The Wongs 7/26/2017
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a
new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations, ' says the nurse to the new
parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong
name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well,
two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will ...
0 Comments,
10 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Stuck In A Bog 7/26/2017
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick
O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry, " assured Mick. "Next to
the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin,
and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled
and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts,
Mick said to ...
0 Comments,
10 Views,
0 Votes
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DOLLY PARTON AND QUEEN ELIZABETH 7/25/2017
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and
they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be
admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel
asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're
the ...
0 Comments,
9 Views,
1 Votes
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The Lone Ranger's Last Request 7/25/2017
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian
War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed
in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak
to ...
0 Comments,
11 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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BEER TROUBLE SHOOTING GUIDE 7/25/2017
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth ...
0 Comments,
7 Views,
1 Votes
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The Wrong Suit 7/25/2017
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just
passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last
look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw
him she started crying. One of the undertakers strode up to provide comfort in this
sombre moment. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because
her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his
dying ...
0 Comments,
16 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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Miracle Cure 7/20/2017
NEW - Miracle Cure!!!
• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident ...
1 Comments,
13 Views,
3 Votes
,0.49 Score
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Great Advice 7/20/2017
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have
found inner peace.
The article read:
'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off the
things you have started'.
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started
and hadn't finished .... and before leaving the house
this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle
of white wine, a ...
0 Comments,
10 Views,
1 Votes
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A tale of four cats 7/20/2017
Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square,
do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and
pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a ...
0 Comments,
15 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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pest Control 7/3/2017
An Irishwoman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home
unexpectedly. "Quick, " said the woman to the lover, "into
the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark
naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search
of the bedroom discovered the ...
0 Comments,
26 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Odd One Out 7/3/2017
Odd One Out
Which is the odd 1 out? 1. Toaster. 2. Washing machine. 3. Dish washer. 4. Woman.
Answer = A toaster.... Its the only 1 that doesnt drip when its fucked
0 Comments,
11 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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2 Irish Nuns 7/3/2017
Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car
when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!"
shouts one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I
don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
"Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I ...
0 Comments,
20 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Mother Of Six 6/29/2017
A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth
to 6 , begins to call her "mother of six"
rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first,
chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her
husband's description. "Mother of six, "
he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother
of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type
of situation persisted to a boiling ...
0 Comments,
32 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
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A Biker Story 6/29/2017
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw
a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What
are you doing?"
I'm going to commit suicide, " she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't
want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before
you jump, why don't you give ...
0 Comments,
26 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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The Three Worst Chinese Tortures 6/29/2017
The Three Worst Chinese Tortures
Once upon a time a starving man named Harry Enis was walking
in the middle of a Chinese forest when he stumbled upon a
huge mansion. It was close to nightfall and he had no where
to stay, no food, and nothing to make camp; so he walked up
to the mansion and rang the doorbell. A very ancient man
with a long beard brushing the floor answered the ...
0 Comments,
22 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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Dear Alcohol 6/9/2017
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when
needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game,
and you're even around in the holiday's hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately
I've been wondering about your intentions. While
I want to believe that ...
2 Comments,
20 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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The power of Alcohol 6/9/2017
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes
in and informs the dad that his was born without torso,
arms or legs. The is just a head! But the dad loves his
and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the he is proud
of him and orders up the biggest, ...
0 Comments,
13 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Moral Test 5/25/2017
This test only has one question, but it's a very important
one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where
you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation
in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that
your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please
scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION ...
0 Comments,
26 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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A Jewish Divorce 5/25/2017
A jewish girl calls her mother : 'Mum, I'm getting
a divorce'. 'A divorce? Why?' replied the shocked mother.
'Mum, all he wants his anal sex. I used to have a lovely
little arsehole, the size of a 5C piece. Now its the size
of a 50C piece'. The mother replies 'Sweetie, you have a lovely home,
a Porsche, a platinum credit card and have 4 foreign holidays
a year.... and you want to give all that up ...
0 Comments,
30 Views,
5 Votes
,2.16 Score
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YOU Can Be The Man Of Your House 5/25/2017
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his
wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From
now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and
my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve
me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will ...
0 Comments,
15 Views,
1 Votes
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Survey 5/22/2017
In a recent blowjob survey 7% of the men said they like the
feeling. 10% said they like the power and control. The rest
just enjoyed the peace and quiet.
0 Comments,
13 Views,
5 Votes
,0.86 Score
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DATING RITUALS OF WOMEN 5/22/2017
CANADIAN WOMEN First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary
position.
IRISH WOMEN First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN First Date: ...
0 Comments,
15 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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A Night At The Farmhouse 5/20/2017
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for
room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was
no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my , " the
farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to
the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and
felt the farmer's at his side. The next ...
0 Comments,
38 Views,
1 Votes
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